The RANT #4: Please Hold!!


Don’t you just LOVE telephone answering systems.

They go something like this:  “Thankyou for calling (put in your favourite company).  Your call is important to us.”  Don’t think so, otherwise I wouldn’t be speaking to an answering system.

“In order to give you prompt and efficient service we will give you various codes to enter so that you get the most appropriate service.”  If you haven’t done so before you should hang up NOW!!

“If you want your merkely burgle, press 1, if you seek thanging, press 2, if you are trying to farnarkle, press 3.  Should you wish to froggle your garble wacker, press 4.  If you are now totally confused and want to speak to a real person, press 8, followed by your date of birth your tax file number and the year of your paternal grandmother’s birthday.”  You do 8 plus all the other bits because you are totally confused and haven’t got a garble wacker.  You have also, because you are an idiot, remembered your paternal grandmothers birthday.  “Thankyou for requesting our real person.  You have been put in a queue (there are 4 million people in front of you) and will shortly be connected with our operators (there is only one [that’s 1 for the digitisers amongst us])”.

Light years later you finally get to talk to someone, who, after listening to a detailed description of the issue you need to have fixed, promptly tells you one of the following:

  • The computer system is down.
  • There is no record of your application, despite you filling it out six times.
  • It was sent to you in the mail three weeks ago and they are surprised it never turned up.  You’ll be sent another immediately.  Oh, and incidentally, what was your name and address?
  • There is no record of you in the computer system.
  • You have been connected to the wrong area and if you just hang on you’ll be connected to appropriate operator.
  • You have phoned the wrong company.

Now!!  Aren’t you so glad you picked up the phone??

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About deknarf

Australian born and bred who has spent most of his working life in R&D and IP management with earlier forays in the newspaper industry and martial arts. Fortunate enough to be living in one of the best countries in the World, even though I might get grumpy with it from time to time.
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